圣誕節(jié)幽默的笑話
笑話是引人發(fā)笑的話或事情。笑話具有篇幅短小，故事情節(jié)簡(jiǎn)單而巧妙，往往出人意料，給人突然之間笑神來(lái)了的奇妙感覺的特點(diǎn)。下面是小編整理的圣誕節(jié)幽默的笑話，歡迎大家分享。
圣誕節(jié)幽默的笑話 1
1、心情鍵盤：消極時(shí)請(qǐng)按F5鍵，刷新態(tài)度；難過(guò)時(shí)請(qǐng)按Tab鍵，跳過(guò)傷心；煩惱時(shí)請(qǐng)按Shift鍵，轉(zhuǎn)換心情；開心時(shí)請(qǐng)按Enter鍵，進(jìn)入快樂時(shí)光!
2、符號(hào)人生：經(jīng)歷是逗號(hào)，挫折是頓號(hào)、愛情是著重號(hào)，幸福是書名號(hào)，學(xué)習(xí)是冒號(hào)，畢業(yè)是分號(hào)，工作是問(wèn)號(hào)，事業(yè)是感嘆號(hào)，成長(zhǎng)是破折號(hào)，回憶是省略號(hào)。
3、一個(gè)牛人干成一件牛事叫成功人士，一個(gè)牛人干了一輩子俗事叫窩囊廢，一個(gè)牛人講了一輩子牛道理叫道德家，一個(gè)牛人天天干牛事叫先烈；一個(gè)普通人干了一輩子普通事叫蕓蕓眾生，一個(gè)普通人干了一件牛事叫草莽英雄，一個(gè)普通人天天干牛事那叫圣人。
4、白云從不向天空承諾去留，卻朝夕相伴；星星從不向夜空許諾光明，卻努力閃爍；朋友從不向?qū)Ψ絻A訴思念，卻永遠(yuǎn)牽掛。
5、心在哪里，哪里就有寶藏，志在哪里，哪里就有時(shí)間，愛在哪里，哪里就有感動(dòng)，夢(mèng)在哪里，哪里就有未來(lái)。
6、聰明人去讀書，精細(xì)人去炒股。闊老花錢買舒服，愛冒險(xiǎn)的去豪賭。平民貸款去置屋，窮人先顧油鹽醋，老實(shí)人時(shí)興學(xué)糊涂。
山河大地白日夢(mèng)，多少英雄白忙乎。追風(fēng)捕影忙一世，到頭誰(shuí)識(shí)回家路。細(xì)細(xì)參來(lái)深深悟，糊涂人自有糊涂福。
7、一室一廳一人住，一菜一湯一人吃，一枕一被一人睡，一來(lái)一去一人過(guò)，一衣一襪一人洗，一喜一憂一人愁，一工一作一人累，一事一擔(dān)一人承，一影一視一人看，一薪一酬一人花，一心一意一身輕，一生一世一輩子，一個(gè)人有一個(gè)人的精彩，一個(gè)人有一個(gè)人的.快樂!
8、表面上是缺錢，本質(zhì)上是缺野心，腦袋上是缺想法，對(duì)機(jī)會(huì)是缺了解，骨子里是缺勇氣，觀念改變上是缺行動(dòng)，肚子里是缺知識(shí)，事業(yè)上是缺毅力，內(nèi)心里是缺膽色。
9、雖然你的人生充滿坎坷，可你依然鎮(zhèn)定自若，抵抗住世間香味的誘惑，埋首忠誠(chéng)于自己的職責(zé)。佩服之情難以訴說(shuō)，從此立你為心中楷模——搓衣板!
10、人生其實(shí)是一個(gè)碰碰車。碰對(duì)了方向，光彩一輩子；碰對(duì)了環(huán)境，舒坦一輩子；碰對(duì)了時(shí)運(yùn)，順當(dāng)一輩子；碰對(duì)了愛好，充實(shí)一輩子；碰對(duì)了愛人，幸福一輩子；碰對(duì)了領(lǐng)導(dǎo)，寬松一輩子；碰對(duì)了朋友，樂呵一輩子；碰上了神仙，還有下輩子!
11、媒體人的戀愛傷不起!單身叫稿荒，戀愛叫趕稿，結(jié)婚叫定稿，離婚叫撤稿，被人拋棄叫斃稿，復(fù)婚叫重稿，再婚叫修改稿。
12、開車時(shí)，靠背不要太近，否則別人說(shuō)你腿短；吃菜時(shí)，不要總挑近的夾，否則別人說(shuō)你眼淺；沒事時(shí)，不要隨便咳兩聲，否則別人說(shuō)你甲流感!
13、人像房子，朋友就是窗子，窗子越多房子越亮。我愿做你的那扇向陽(yáng)窗，春送花香，夏送清涼，秋送氣爽，冬送暖陽(yáng)，讓你生活永遠(yuǎn)明朗。
14、茫茫人海，為你怦然心動(dòng)。你好似不在意的表情，卻讓我隱隱作痛。你的漠然讓我不敢表白，可我已不能自拔…你踩我腳啦!
15、你啊，打麻將三天五天不累，喝茅臺(tái)三瓶五瓶不醉，下舞池三夜五夜不睡。給領(lǐng)導(dǎo)捶背，對(duì)下屬橫眉冷對(duì)，卡拉OK一學(xué)就會(huì)!
圣誕節(jié)幽默的笑話 2
1、圣誕佳節(jié)到來(lái)，法官心情愉悅地問(wèn)受審人：“你干了什么壞事呀？”
“我今年圣誕購(gòu)物早了些，”犯人哭著回答。
“那并不是件壞事，”法官說(shuō)，“到底多早�。俊�
“商店開門之前，”犯人答道。
2、某日，媽媽問(wèn)小于：你相信有圣誕老人嗎？
小于：嗯……（想了一下）不相信……
媽媽心想小于真是長(zhǎng)大了。她便又問(wèn)：你為什么不相信有圣誕老人呢？
小于想了想說(shuō)：因?yàn)檫@里從沒下過(guò)雪。
3、老師出了一道題目：圣誕節(jié)的起源。
小明響了老半天，最后寫了１２個(gè)字，“耶穌知道，我不知道，圣誕快樂！”
老師看后：“在試卷也寫了１２字的評(píng)語(yǔ)，”耶穌１００分，你零分，新年快樂！
4、圣誕節(jié)快到了，一位參議員到州立精神病院慰問(wèn)。
全院病人在禮堂聽參議員演說(shuō)�？诟缮嘣锏刂v了半天，也聽不到臺(tái)下的人鼓掌。
參議員很尷尬，只好打足精神講下去，想激發(fā)大家的掌聲以便下臺(tái)。
突然，有個(gè)病人站了起來(lái)，對(duì)周圍的人大聲說(shuō)道：“你們別聽這個(gè)小子胡說(shuō)八道。他是個(gè)瘋子，上午剛被送進(jìn)來(lái)�！�
5、要過(guò)圣誕節(jié)了。一對(duì)新婚夫婦完全不懂繁瑣的節(jié)日儀式，于是丈夫叫妻子去愉看鄰居鐵匠家是怎么做的。妻走近窗口，看見鐵匠正在用煤鏟打老婆呢！妻子回家后，丈夫問(wèn)她看見了什么，她死也不講。最后丈夫氣極了，拿起煤鏟打她，她哭道：
“既然你全知道，還讓我去看什么？”
6、圣誕節(jié)將到，某單位舉行一次圣誕晚會(huì)，由于節(jié)目很多，圣誕老人一般在最后才出來(lái)向大家祝福。扮演圣誕老人的'演員無(wú)事，在那里把胡須拿下來(lái)吃雞腿。當(dāng)主持人說(shuō)：“現(xiàn)在由圣誕老人向大家祝賀圣誕節(jié)快樂。有請(qǐng)圣誕老人�！�
這時(shí)扮演圣誕老人的演員，慌張地上了臺(tái)，把這胡須給忘了戴就上臺(tái)。主持人一看，不對(duì)呀，這圣誕老人怎么沒有胡須呢？急忙說(shuō)：“你是何人呀！”這時(shí)他知道自己忘掉戴胡須了，他急中生智，說(shuō)：“我是圣誕老人的孫子。”
主持人馬上說(shuō)：“請(qǐng)你把你的爺爺叫來(lái)�！彼卮鸷篑R上跑到后臺(tái)戴上胡須出來(lái)，對(duì)大家說(shuō)：“你們有沒有看到我的孫子？”
圣誕節(jié)幽默的笑話 3
1. Into the Church進(jìn)教堂
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.鎮(zhèn)里有三座建筑物被松鼠占領(lǐng)了--市政廳、五金店和教堂。市政廳引進(jìn)了一些貓。但這些“獵手”撕毀了文檔，于是它們也就被市長(zhǎng)請(qǐng)出了市政廳。而很快，松鼠又回來(lái)了。五金店捕捉到松鼠后，施與憐憫將它們?cè)阪?zhèn)外釋放了。但三天后，松鼠爬回鎮(zhèn)里來(lái)了。只有教堂采取了一種有效的解決方案。松鼠得到洗禮成為了教眾�，F(xiàn)在，人們只會(huì)在圣誕節(jié)和復(fù)活節(jié)時(shí)才能看到松鼠。
2. Denomination 面額還是教派？
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps. "What denomination?" asks the clerk. The woman says, "Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."一名女士走進(jìn)郵局，問(wèn)職員要50張光明節(jié)紀(jì)念郵票（小編注：光明節(jié)：猶太人慶祝光明到來(lái)的節(jié)日）。職員問(wèn)�！岸嗌倜骖~的？”女士說(shuō)：“6張東正教，12張保守黨，32張革新派�！�
3. Good Lights 好燈
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. "Great," she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. "I don’t want this box," she said abruptly. "It’s been opened."一位顧客進(jìn)我們的商店買圣誕燈。我給她看了我們店里最好的牌子，但還需確認(rèn)一下燈泡是否正常。她讓我把燈泡從盒子里拿出來(lái)，然后通上電。我照做了。每一個(gè)燈泡都是正常的。她說(shuō):“非常好�！蔽倚⌒囊硪淼匕堰@串圣誕燈放回盒子里。可當(dāng)我把這一盒燈泡交給她時(shí)，她吃驚地看著我，突然說(shuō)：“我不要這一盒，它打開過(guò)的。”
4. Stop the Presses讓媒體閉嘴
These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion —are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth. Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings, Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think, Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year, Book Given as Gift Actually Read這些節(jié)日頭條--由全美最優(yōu)質(zhì)新聞媒體The Onion的諷刺作家杜撰--完全是胡編亂造，不過(guò)聽起來(lái)還真像是事實(shí)。諸如《放進(jìn)圣誕襪的煤太貴了買不起》，《研究發(fā)現(xiàn)了紅酒間的聯(lián)系》，《讓媽媽知道你真正在想什么》，《會(huì)計(jì)人員蜂擁時(shí)代廣場(chǎng)慶祝新財(cái)年》，《書當(dāng)圣誕禮物真有人讀》。
5. Hiding the Presents藏禮物
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered. When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."早些天我就做好圣誕購(gòu)物并包裝好所有的禮物了。因?yàn)橛袃蓚�(gè)好奇的孩子，我需要找一個(gè)適合藏禮物的隱蔽處。我想到了一個(gè)理想的地方--爐子間。我疊好禮物，用一塊毯子把它們蓋起來(lái)，覺得它們肯定不會(huì)被發(fā)現(xiàn)。當(dāng)我去拿禮物想把它們放在圣誕樹下時(shí)，我掀開毯子，看到，在我準(zhǔn)備好的.禮物上面整齊地疊放著另一些禮物，上面寫著“給爸爸媽媽，你們的寶貝”。
6. Gift Exchange交換禮物
My friendreviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”我朋友在檢查她兒子的填空題家庭作業(yè)。有一行：“在圣誕節(jié)，我們和____交換禮物。”他的答案：“收據(jù)�！�
7. Limited Knowledge知識(shí)有限
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You can’t do that," argued my four-year-old. "Don’t worry. Santa will never know." He shot me a look. "So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?"平安夜那天，在我們分發(fā)餅干時(shí)，我一不小心掉了一塊到地上�！皼]關(guān)系�！蔽乙贿呎f(shuō)，一邊撿起來(lái)，并在放回盤子前撣掉了上面的灰�！澳悴荒苣敲醋�。”我四歲大的孩子爭(zhēng)論道�！皠e擔(dān)心，圣誕老人不會(huì)知道的。”他朝我瞟了一眼�！斑@就是說(shuō)他知道我有沒有做壞事，而他不知道餅干掉在地上過(guò)？”
8. Odd Christmas Visit奇怪的圣誕拜訪
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visitfromSatan."英格蘭德文郡Woolacombe海灣酒店有一篇文章：“他們的三日圣誕假期套餐包括家庭娛樂、育嬰托管、美味佳肴，還有撒旦來(lái)訪”。
9. Quick Cleanup快速清掃
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."不速之客就在路上，我媽媽，一個(gè)完美的家庭主婦，正忙里忙外地整理。她分配給我爸和我哥哥的任務(wù)是打掃供客人使用的浴室。一會(huì)兒之后，當(dāng)她去檢查的時(shí)候，她吃驚了，曾經(jīng)一度雜亂的房間瞬間就被打掃干凈了。接著她看到浴簾上有一張紙條，紙條上寫著：“謝謝你沒往浴缸里看。”
10. Post Holiday Blues假日里的郁悶事
A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolenfromthe break room. Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party. As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted onthe community board: "It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes."
我們飯館里一位女服務(wù)員的一套換洗的衣服在休息室里失竊了。更糟的是，她原本計(jì)劃穿著那套去參加圣誕聚會(huì)。作為一個(gè)新員工，我并不知道這個(gè)幕后故事，因此當(dāng)我發(fā)現(xiàn)這張充滿怒氣的紙條貼在社區(qū)公告欄里時(shí)，有點(diǎn)吃驚。紙條上寫著：“圣誕聚會(huì)已經(jīng)過(guò)去兩個(gè)星期了，但我始終還沒找回我的衣服�！�
11. Easy to Forgive輕易寬恕
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: "No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is."因?yàn)檠杏憰?huì)遲到，現(xiàn)在找不到停車的地方，于是我把車停在了教堂后面。直到我從車?yán)锍鰜?lái)我才看到這個(gè)標(biāo)志牌：“不準(zhǔn)停車！寬恕是我們的職責(zé)，但是不要給原已糟糕的現(xiàn)狀添堵了。”
12. Waiting for Christmas等待圣誕節(jié)
My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, "What time does Jesus get here?" 我妻子第一次帶我們?nèi)龤q大的孩子去教堂。在彌撒曲開始前我們等了很久，孩子等的不耐煩了，轉(zhuǎn)向媽媽問(wèn)：“耶穌什么時(shí)候來(lái)這里？”
13. Christmas Eve Service平安夜禱告
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out, "Right near theend!"就在我開始平安夜禱告時(shí)，教堂停電了。教堂里的接待人員和我找到一些蠟燭，把它們放在禮堂周圍。然后我重返講道壇，整理了一下筆記后，我說(shuō)：“剛才我講到哪兒了？”傳來(lái)一陣不耐煩的聲音：“馬上就講完了！”
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